People who know me would probably know my stand towards having a girlfriend - I won’t have one unless i intend to commit wholly to her, to love her and make her my wife. Ever since primary school, I’ve only loved one girl. Even till today. I once made a pact with her that when i finish army, i’d try my luck to date her again. When both of us are more matured to handle our feelings well.

Partially you could say that i didn’t want a commitment to such a relationship so fast. You could also say that there’s never really been a girl who’s been really close like a real friend to me. I mean, 4 years in Catholic High really stumped this emotional growth of mine. I respect girls too much to want to risk being a boyfriend, because i don’t want to hurt anyone. I’ll probably only agree to such a relationship if the girl is already my close friend to start off with. That’s probably when there is understanding and commitment.

I know of people who change girlfriends like as though they are changing clothes. To me, such an attitude is an absolute abomination. Don’t they realise that everytime a relationship has to come to an end, someone’s soul will be ripped apart? Lets not talk about couple relationships. Even as friends, it’ll hurt a lot.

For someone like me, with such a fragile inner self, i admit that i never really dared to commit my whole self to a relationship. Some would say, "Once bitten, twice shy". But for me, i’ve been bitten so many times. Till i lock up this part of my soul deep in my heart. Don’t look at close guy / close girl friends with tinted glasses on. More often than not, such relationships are equally as great if not greater than couple relationships. As long as the love that is in between is not corrupted.

When someone accidentally stumbled upon the locked-away part of me, the emotional part of me i’d say, i almost didn’t know what to do. It was like as though 4 years of strong emotions just rushed back into me. That person happened to hold the key to my heart. It just made me feel so strongly once again. I couldn’t handle the emotions for a moment, and i just broke down. I just wished that i could revert to the form where i only bothered about playing computer games and what i normally do. But i couldn’t. The person who unlocked this part of me has another person. Painful? Ask yourself and put yourself in my shoes. I don’t know how this friendship / relationship will go on. But i know that it hurts. But if it is possible, i will commit to this person as a really great brother.

Now, i don’t really know how to settle things too. My door of my heart is left wide open. Open to the cruel winds of life, scratching the inside again and again. Ouch. I only hope that the girl for me will come soon. Considering my expectations, i’m not optimistic about finding her soon. For my looks, i don’t think anyone is really interested. By wealth, i’m not a rich prince. I’m just not a perfect person, neither am i anywhere close. When will she come? Will it be the girl that i loved for so long? Will it be another? How long will it take? Delay makes the heart sick. Don’t make my heart close up again. Don’t let the depths of my soul be scarred again, so cautious that it shuts out. Someone just keep it open.

My friend told me that emotion is 1/3 of the human soul. I hid 1/2 of my emotions for so long. Am i going to have to hide it back and bury it right after someone dug it out by accident? That person stumbled upon it. Why? Stumble upon it and throw it to one side. Thanks ok. I’m not blaming anyone. But thats just the case.

All these don’t matter for now. This lock will soon be put up again. As time passes.

†Whiters™† signing off from this blog. Hoping for the best. But expecting the least. Always praying. Always loving. Always walking with his greatest friend, Jesus. To all who reads this, don’t give up loving. Because someone else loves you too. More than anyone can. Thats Jesus. God bless! =)